The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
