I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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