Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
