i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
this will be a night to untag.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
