From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
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There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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