I wish they made helmets for livers.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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