Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
