Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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