I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
