did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
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