3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
