I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
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I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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