my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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