Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
