he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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