remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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