First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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