I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
bring money and cleavage
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
