That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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