she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
