My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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