I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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