i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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