It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
