its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
