apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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