Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
