I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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