I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
