What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
