I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also, beer. Big fan.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
