oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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