I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
