A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
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I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
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I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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