The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
