look no pants
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
