you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
This toilet bowl is my home.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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