I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
