Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
