I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
