This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
