Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
