So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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