i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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