Little spoons don't ask big questions
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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