Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
