Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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