I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
