i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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