This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
