The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
