are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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