last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
