i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Semen is not good for contacts.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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