the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
