Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
dude i'm inner monologue high
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
